Sharp’s Gun Serenade

Introduction

“Sharp’s Gun Serenade” is a humorous Western story by Robert E. Howard featuring his recurring character Breckinridge Elkins. It first appeared in Action Stories, January 1937. Set in the rugged backcountry of the Humbolt Mountains, the tale follows the antics of Breckinridge and his companions as they attempt to prevent a young man’s suicide, only to get caught up in a series of chaotic misadventures involving cougars, mistaken identities, and a schoolteacher. As with most of the Breckinridge Elkins stories, the action unfolds through Breckinridge’s own rough-hewn voice, filled with exaggerated dialect and boisterous energy.

Summary

Breckinridge Elkins, riding toward the town of War Paint, encounters Jack Sprague tearing up the trail with a rope in hand. He’s followed by Bill Glanton, who explains that Jack is heartbroken and intent on hanging himself after being jilted by a woman. Determined to prevent the suicide (partly because Jack owes him six dollars), Bill enlists Breckinridge’s help.

They track Jack into the Humbolts, where he’s preparing to hang himself from a tree on a cliff. Bill tries to distract him while Breckinridge circles through a thicket—only to accidentally awaken the infamous cougar “Old Brigamer,” resulting in a brutal, slapstick fight. Breckinridge subdues the cat and reaches Jack just as he jumps from the ledge. With Breckinridge’s brute strength and Bill’s knife, they save Jack, though not without injury.

Jack resents being saved, but Bill insists they take him away until he regains his will to live. Breckinridge suggests a hunting trip to the high Humbolts. There they run into old Joshua Braxton, a notorious bachelor hiding from marriage-minded women. With news that the local schoolteacher Miss Stark has moved away, Joshua is ready to return to civilization—until he hears a young, beautiful schoolmarm from the East is replacing her. Alarmed, he decides to stay in hiding.

Breckinridge, upon hearing of the new teacher, declares Bear Creek must have its own school and plans to recruit her. Bill, Joshua, and the reluctant Jack join him. The group sets off in a battered, slapstick caravan, with Cap’n Kidd—the violent horse—causing chaos all the way. They encounter settlers who mistake them for a wild war party and raise a town-wide panic.

The townspeople of Chawed Ear are ready to greet Miss Devon, the new teacher, with speeches and celebration, but flee when warned of the incoming “war party.” A wild chase ensues. Breckinridge and his gang crash into the welcoming party, mistaking it as a threat, and chaos erupts. In the confusion, Breckinridge captures the stagecoach carrying Miss Devon and takes off with it, hoping to deliver her to Bear Creek and establish a school.

After a comic brawl and daring escape, Breckinridge proposes to Miss Devon that she become Bear Creek’s teacher. Initially stunned, she reluctantly agrees to go along, though clearly overwhelmed. Meanwhile, Jack Sprague and Miss Devon, left alone with the stagecoach while the others hold off the pursuing mob, fall for each other. They elope to War Paint, leaving a note behind.

The tale ends with Breckinridge discovering the note, outraged at the betrayal and dismayed that both his plans for culture on Bear Creek and his hopes for romance have been derailed.

Characters:

  • Breckinridge Elkins – The narrator and central figure; a massive, strong, and simple-minded mountain man from Bear Creek who tries to save a suicidal youth and later sets out to bring education (and possibly love) to his hometown.
  • Jack Sprague – A heartbroken young cowboy who attempts suicide after being jilted, later falls in love with Miss Devon and elopes with her.
  • Bill Glanton – A tough Texan and friend of Breckinridge, who joins in the effort to save Jack and is partly motivated by the six dollars Jack owes him.
  • Joshua Braxton – A cantankerous old bachelor from Chawed Ear who flees to the mountains whenever pursued by marriage-minded women; initially returns when he thinks Miss Stark is gone, then hides again when he hears a younger teacher is arriving.
  • Miss Devon – The new, young, and attractive schoolteacher from the East, originally bound for Chawed Ear but ends up eloping with Jack Sprague after a wild series of events.
  • Old Brigamer – A legendary cougar living in the Humbolts, known for his ferocity; he attacks Breckinridge but is ultimately driven off in a furious fight.
  • Miss Stark – The former schoolteacher of Chawed Ear; an older woman who was pursuing Joshua Braxton for marriage, prompting his flight into the hills.
  • Cap’n Kidd – Breckinridge’s fierce and uncontrollable horse, notorious for attacking both humans and animals, central to much of the story’s physical comedy.
  • Mayor of Chawed Ear – A pompous figure who attempts to welcome Miss Devon with ceremony but gets trampled and chewed during the resulting chaos.
  • Esau Barlow – A citizen of Chawed Ear who helps explain the panic in town after hearing of the supposed wild men approaching.
  • Dick Lynch – The man who sees Breckinridge and his companions on the road and mistakenly warns Chawed Ear of an incoming war party.

Alternate Title:

EDUCATE OR BUST. 

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