The Apache Mountain War

Introduction

A tale about Breckinridge Elkins from 1935. First published in Actions Stories December, 1935.

The Apache Mountain War is one of the humorous tall tales in the Bear Creek series, featuring the towering and well-meaning but perpetually embroiled Breckinridge Elkins. Set in the rugged hills of the American frontier, the story is a wild blend of slapstick violence, rustic wisdom, eccentric characters, and chaotic misadventure. It follows Breckinridge’s attempt to reform his rum-loving Uncle Shadrach, which inadvertently launches him into a string of escalating disasters that involve a painted jackass, a secret elopement, a drunken riot, and an all-out brawl with a large branch of his extended family. The story is marked by its energetic pace, comic exaggeration, and colorful dialogue.

There were at least 4 drafts of this story.

Detailed summary

Breckinridge Elkins is guilt-tripped by his formidable Aunt Tascosa into retrieving her drunken husband, Uncle Shadrach Polk, from a binge in the Apache Mountain settlement. She demands Breckinridge not only bring him back but also shock him into swearing off alcohol forever.

As Breckinridge heads out, he comes across some cousins painting a jackass (Joshua) in bright red, white, blue, and green. Inspired, Breckinridge decides to use the psychedelic donkey as a tool to terrify Uncle Shadrach into sobriety. He loads the slumbering, painted jack into a wagon and hauls him toward the settlement.

Along the way, he bumps into Kit Kirby, who is clandestinely meeting her suitor, Harry Braxton. The two lovebirds are forbidden by Kit’s tyrannical father, Buckner Kirby, to see each other due to a long-standing grudge against the Braxton clan. Breckinridge promises to help them elope by luring Buckner away from home with a fabricated tale of a gold strike in Wolf Canyon.

Breckinridge drops off Kit and prepares his two-pronged scheme: plant the jackass in Uncle Shadrach’s bed, and ensure Buckner chases the phantom gold strike instead of his daughter. But things quickly unravel.

Unbeknownst to Breckinridge, Buckner never heard the gold story and returns home to sleep while Breckinridge is still arranging things. That night, when Uncle Shadrach stumbles home drunk and lights a candle in his room, he sees the wildly painted Joshua in his bed. Screaming that he’s seen the Devil, Shadrach tumbles down the stairs—waking Buckner, who barrels out with a shotgun just in time to spot Kit and Harry eloping.

Breckinridge hastily convinces Buckner to give chase in a wagon, which ends in catastrophe as they take the wrong fork in the road and crash off a bluff. After surviving the wreck, Buckner turns on Breckinridge violently.

As Breckinridge recovers, he’s attacked by Uncle Jeppard Grimes and his large clan, who believe he kidnapped Joshua. A spectacular brawl breaks out, with Breckinridge fending off the Grimes boys in a melee of punches, pitchforks, and tree limbs, eventually using an unconscious cousin as a weapon.

Meanwhile, Joshua escapes and wanders into view, causing Jeppard to panic at the sight of his “bleeding” jackass. The Grimes clan deserts the fight to “save” him, and Breckinridge finally escapes the chaos.

When he checks in later, he discovers the gold-strike story he planted was stolen by Joel Garfield, who went off alone to claim the fortune, never alerting Buckner.

Returning home, Breckinridge finds that Uncle Shadrach is clinging to a jug of whiskey for dear life. The encounter with Joshua has convinced him that water causes hallucinations—since he hadn’t drunk all day prior to the sighting—and he swears never to touch it again.

Frustrated at the failure of his plan, Breckinridge attempts to forcibly sober up his uncle by dunking him in a horse trough. Aunt Tascosa, naturally, takes offense and spreads the rumor that Breckinridge tried to drown Shadrach for not swearing off liquor, thus ending the whole affair in more misunderstanding and ill will.

Characters

  • Breckinridge Elkins – The massive, brawny narrator and protagonist. Strong as an ox but often comically misguided, he tries to reform his drunken uncle and ends up in a chain of escalating misadventures.
  • Aunt Tascosa Polk – Breckinridge’s domineering aunt, determined to reform her hard-drinking husband. She sets the story in motion by demanding Breckinridge go fetch Shadrach and reform him.
  • Uncle Shadrach Polk – Breckinridge’s uncle, a good-natured man whose main goal in life is to drink as much corn liquor as possible. He is terrified into a state of “sobriety” after encountering a painted jackass.
  • Cap’n Kidd – Breckinridge’s famously wild horse. While not a speaking character, Cap’n Kidd’s behavior (biting, kicking, etc.) adds to the chaos throughout the story.
  • Bill Gordon – Breckinridge’s cousin, whose barn stores the paint and jackass. He unwittingly enables Breckinridge’s scheme.
  • The Gordon Boys – Bill Gordon’s three sons, who paint Joshua the jackass for fun. Their prank inspires Breckinridge’s plan.
  • Joshua – Uncle Jeppard Grimes’s jackass. Painted in wild colors and used by Breckinridge in a scare tactic that disastrously backfires.
  • Kit Kirby – Breckinridge’s cousin and the daughter of Buckner Kirby. She’s romantically involved with Harry Braxton and wants to elope.
  • Harry Braxton – A young man from the other side of the mountain. He loves Kit but is forbidden from courting her by her father.
  • Buckner Kirby – Kit’s stubborn and violent father. Hates the Braxtons over an old horse-trading feud. He becomes a major obstacle to Kit and Harry’s marriage.
  • Joel Garfield – Local moonshiner who runs the stillhouse where Shadrach drinks. Steals Breckinridge’s fabricated gold strike story and heads for Wolf Canyon alone.
  • Uncle Jeppard Grimes – Owner of Joshua the jackass. Assumes Breckinridge kidnapped the animal and leads his sons in a wild, misguided assault.
  • The Grimes Boys (including Jim, Joe, Erath, Bill, Dick, Jacob, Esau) – Uncle Jeppard’s numerous sons. They launch a full-scale (and failed) attack on Breckinridge to reclaim Joshua, suffering comical and painful injuries in the process.
  • Jack Gordon – Another cousin who reports seeing Uncle Shadrach riding frantically away from Apache Mountain at dawn.

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