The story opens with a speaker addressing an audience, including someone named Scott Keeler, while representing the "Soakem Hat Company." The speaker's goal is to convince the audience of the superiority of their hats, which are described as indestructible and suitable for all occasions. The hat, according to the speaker, eliminates the need for owning multiple hats, as it can be worn both in everyday situations and formal events, like in a cornfield or at a banquet. The speaker then provides an absurd list of famous figures who allegedly endorse the product, including historical and exaggerated personalities like William Jennings Bryan, Brigham Young, and "the wild man from Borneo." The selling points become increasingly outlandish as the speaker claims the hat improves thinking abilities and protects the wearer from catastrophic accidents, such as having a building fall on their head. The hat supposedly has a powerful spring mechanism that would cause a falling structure to bounce off harmlessly.

The price of these marvelous hats is listed as $15 per gallon, another odd detail that underlines the humor and absurdity of the entire pitch. The speaker concludes by urging the audience to seize the bargain, ending the brief narrative.