Iron-Clad Fists

Introduction

In “Iron-Clad Fists,” a tale of misguided aspirations and ill-fated agreements, Steve Costigan and his pugilist friend Bill Stark abandon the boxing ring, vowing to earn a living away from their fists. Their humorous misadventures, from digging mysterious holes to jousting in medieval armor, unfold with classic Robert E. Howard flair, blending brawn with a touch of the absurd.

The story was never published. Howard’s agent, Kline, received the story on July 27, 1934. Probably Kline used Patrick Ervin as a pseudonym for Howard. Alternative title: “A Knight of the Round Table“. 

The story

Steve Costigan, feeling cheated by a referee’s decision to declare his boxing match a draw, impulsively starts a chaotic brawl. Post-fight, while drowning his sorrows, he encounters Bill Stark, another boxer disenchanted with the sport’s perceived corruption. They commiserate over drinks, lamenting the state of boxing, and impulsively decide to retire from fighting, betting $100 each to seal their vow against returning to the ring or the sea.

The next morning, spurred by a cryptic newspaper ad promising a well-paying job requiring secrecy and strength, Steve and Bill visit a decrepit house overseen by Professor Jeppard. Tasked with digging a mysterious, precise hole in the basement, their job becomes grueling as they uncover only more questions. The work is physically demanding and the pay nonexistent; they survive on paltry meals provided by Jeppard, who claims to be on the brink of a discovery that will bring them fame and fortune.

Hunger drives Steve and Bill to desperation. One night, unbeknownst to each other, they separately break their pact. Steve, lured by the promise of easy money, agrees to participate in a medieval armor boxing display for a high-society club. Bill, meanwhile, turns out to be his unwitting opponent. The event, intended as a harmless spectacle, devolves into a violent clash that reveals both men’s identities and shatters their agreement.

The aftermath is chaotic. Police intervene, and the spectacle ends with Steve and Bill making a noisy escape. Back at the job site, they learn that Professor Jeppard is an escaped lunatic with delusions of digging a tunnel to China. Their hopes for compensation vanish, along with their wager, as they both violated the terms.

Reflecting on their ordeals, Steve decides to return to boxing, and Bill likely to follow, both recognizing the relative sanity of their former lives compared to the absurdities they endured while trying to avoid it.

Characters

  • Steve Costigan: The protagonist, a boxer with a quick temper and a sense of humor about his rough lifestyle.
  • Bill Stark: Steve’s friend, fellow boxer, and partner in the ill-fated venture.
  • Professor Gallipoli Antipodes Jeppard: A delusional man who tricks Steve and Bill into digging in his basement under the pretense of scientific discovery.
  • Mike: Steve’s loyal bulldog, accompanying him through his misadventures.
  • Jack Pendleton: A wealthy sportsman who inadvertently draws Steve back into the boxing world.
  • Sir Galahad of Oakland: Bill Stark’s alter ego during the medieval armor boxing event.
  • Various club members and law enforcement officials also play roles in the unfolding chaos of the armor-clad boxing match.

Alternative title:

A Knight of the Round Table

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