Cultured Cauliflowers

Introduction

‘Cultured Cauliflowers’ is an unpublished manuscript by Patrick Ervin found after Howard’s death. ‘Cultured Cauliflowers’ was edited and retitled “In High Society“. Cross Plains Library has one original draft of this story and a retyped draft by the Otis Adelbert Kline Agency. 

Kline received the manuscript on May 22, 1935 together with “Sailor Dorgan and the Yellow Cobra“.

In “Cultured Cauliflowers” (later retitled “In High Society”), Sailor Steve Costigan finds himself embroiled in an amusing debacle involving high society, mistaken identity, and a series of unfortunate events, all because of his temporary need for eyeglasses. This unpublished manuscript by Robert E. Howard, found posthumously, showcases his characteristic humor and penchant for action-filled narratives with a touch of the absurd.

In a letter to Tevis Clyde Smith (letter #164, mid-May 1931) we learn:

I got a long letter from Byrne which said, in part:
“My idea of a Steve Costigan yarn is one in which Steve is recovering from an overdose of belladonna that some tricky opponent has put into his eyes before the bout. He is wearing glasses and has a scholastic, weak-kneed appearance. They get him to box an exhibition bout for society with the east coast champ refereeing. And the heat of battle, plus Steve’s near-sightedness causes him to sock the champ by mistake . . . . . the champ comes back at Steve . . . . Mike, the bulldog, leaps into the ring, tearing the champ’s pants off in front of the society queens. And then in the things that follow you have Steve in his normal sphere, doing the things we like to see him doing.”

Howard used the suggestion from Byrne (Fiction House) and we learn from another letter to Smith (letter #165, week of May 18, 1931):

I should have answered your letters before, but I’ve been working pretty hard. In the time I’ve been back from Marlin — a little more than two weeks — I’ve written three Costigan stories, a Kid Allison tale, a western adventure yarn and a long historical novelet.

“Cultured Cauliflowers” and “One Shanghai Night” are two of the three Costigan stories mentioned in the letter. In the same letter, Howard also says:

The stuff I quoted in my former letter about Costigan’s belladonna spree was in the words of Byrne, verbatim — whatever the Hell that means. I submitted a story based on the suggestion and I hope he takes it.

The story was rejected.

Summary

Steve Costigan, a rugged sailor and boxer, is temporarily blinded by a dirty trick played by Foxy Barlow, the manager of his boxing opponent, Jim Ash. Costigan’s eyes are treated with belladonna, requiring him to wear eyeglasses, which drastically alter his appearance. To pay off his debts and because he’s temporarily unable to fight in regular boxing matches, Costigan is persuaded by Horace J. J. Vander Swiller III to participate in a “gentlemanly” exhibition match at the elite Athenian Club for $500.

Dressed in an uncharacteristically refined outfit, including golf knickers and a silk sport shirt, and accompanied by his white bulldog, Mike, Costigan is presented to the Athenian Club members. His appearance, now that of a scholarly athlete due to the glasses, confuses and amuses the club members. The exhibition match against Johnny McGoorty is intended to be a gentle showcase of boxing for the club’s ladies, refereed by Gentleman Jack Belding, a socially acclaimed boxer.

However, the bout descends into chaos as Costigan’s frustrations and misunderstanding of the event’s gentle nature lead to a full-on brawl, ending with Costigan mistakenly punching Gentleman Jack Belding and causing an uproar among the high society attendees. The event concludes with Costigan and Mike making a hasty and humorous retreat from the scene, with the assistance of Billy Dolan, a reporter who finds the whole debacle hilariously newsworthy.

Characters

  • Steve Costigan: The main character, a brawny sailor and boxer, known for his toughness. His temporary need for glasses puts him in an unfamiliar situation.
  • Mike: Costigan’s loyal and formidable white bulldog, who plays a significant role in the story’s humorous moments.
  • Horace J. J. Vander Swiller III: A member of the Athenian Club who hires Costigan for the exhibition match, unaware of the chaos it will bring.
  • Johnny McGoorty: Costigan’s opponent in the exhibition match, who also finds himself out of depth in the high society setting.
  • Gentleman Jack Belding: A well-regarded boxer among high society, chosen to referee the exhibition match. He ends up being accidentally involved in the brawl.
  • Billy Dolan: A reporter friend of Costigan’s, who finds the entire situation amusing and sees it as an opportunity for a great story.
  • Joe Kerney: Costigan’s handler, who assists him after the initial blinding incident.
  • Foxy Barlow: The manager of Jim Ash, who attempts to sabotage Costigan before his match against Ash by blinding him.
  • Jim Ash: Costigan’s original opponent, mentioned as having been knocked out by Costigan in the dressing room before their match.

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